A Crude & Cruel Litmus Test to Defeat Global Skepticism

I am a global-skeptic skeptic. That is, I don’t believe genuine global skeptics exist. There are those who claim to adhere to the theory but I seriously doubt their sincerity. In fact, I believe none of them are genuine in their position.

I devised a simple yet rather cruel test to demonstrate this point.

I invite all genuine global skeptics to stand in the middle of a highway seconds before an 18-wheeler passes through it at full speed. The genuine global skeptic will have to keep standing there and get squished because for all intents and purposes the external world and the 18-wheeler do not exist or are unknowable. (While the latter two are different they have the same implications for the external world as one cannot take action about something one merely believes but does not know. Or belief and knowledge are the same thing. So tells me my anti-philosophical everyday intuition.)

Actually I don’t know about the highway example because the driver (not being a global skeptic) might perceive the skeptic and (perhaps being a bit of a utilitarian) swerve to save their life. I need certain death, folks. So perhaps train tracks are better? (I am open to suggestions in this.) If this is the case, our genuine global skeptic will have to jump on the rail tracks seconds before a high speed train passes through them and stay there.

In any case, train or 18-wheeler, if the global skeptic runs off the tracks (or the highway) to escape death then they are not genuinely skeptical; they’re just a phony that we no longer have to take seriously. If, on the other hand, they are genuine they will hold their ground and die. Either which way I eradicate all genuine global skeptics.

This is very cruel and crude. But no one has to die. Indeed, I am almost certain that all our candidates will be running so fast their heels will beat their buttocks red.

Some might object on the grounds that I attack not the theory itself but the adherents thereof. This may be characterized as a low blow, a completely vacuous attempt, that leaves the theory itself intact. So far, even if all global skeptics fail the test by escaping certain death, all this proves is that they are insincere and this has nothing to do with the validity of the theory itself. But then, what theory, I beg you, will stand when there is no one to hold it up?

I felt like being an asshole today. Thank you for reading.

Chemical structure of 7-hydroxyphenoxazone, the chromophore of litmus components (Source: Wikipedia)

Chemical structure of 7-hydroxyphenoxazone, the chromophore of litmus components (Source: Wikipedia)
“7-hydroxyphenoxazone” by Michał Sobkowski – Own work. Licensed under Public Domain via Commons – https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:7-hydroxyphenoxazone.png#/media/File:7-hydroxyphenoxazone.png

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